To try or not to try....

I had called my Dr on Monday morning, two days after the initial anxiety attack. The receptionist said I would have to come in and that Dr did not do phone consultations. I broke down crying explaining that I couldn't go to the next town to see her because I was having anxiety and it was bad. I was promised a call back.
My Dr said I needed to try meds. Previously when I have had periods of anxiety I have been strongly advised to try meds but I was always too scared. I decided that this time I would handle my anxiety differently. I would try meds and I would be open about it to people rather than making excuses and avoiding people and situations as I had in the past.
I agreed to try Paxil if I could start on a minuscule dose and could I have some kind of tranquilizer for if things got bad again. DH collected the Paxil and Clonazepam. I was to start on 5mg Paxil - a dose she assured me was similar to that for a child, then I would increase it slowly until I was at a suitable dosage. the Clonazepam was for emergencies and to help me feel secure.

Today is day 3. This morning right before I was expecting my home daycare kids to arrive, I had a suddenly tail spin of symptoms. I wanted to run. I felt like I might throw up, my throat was closing, I didn't want to have to talk to parents. I paced frantically but managed to accept the arriving children and hoped the parents didn't sense anything. DH helped me organize breakfast while I paced some more with my hands on my head trying to get air in my lungs.
About an hour later I felt fine and DH left for work. I was able to function normally with the children despite the tightness in my throat.

This is real

Today my daughter had a Doctor's appointment with a specialist across town. I felt a bit apprehensive but tried to put the sensations of the past couple days behind me.
In the car we went, as DH drove I began to feel anxious and nauseous again. We got to the parking lot and I knew I had to get home. The flight impulse was very strong and even though it meant being late for the appt, I had to ask Dh to drive me home. The drive was hard, I pulled on my hair at the nape of my neck - the discomfort that caused intended to distract myself. I made it home and Dh headed back to the Dr's. Within 5 minutes of being home I felt completely normal - that was great, knowing what this meant was not so great. I knew this would make me want to stay home more.

Trying to convince myself

I woke up this morning concerned that this might be the start of another long road of anxiety, agoraphobia and social anxiety.
I had some things I needed from a store a few minutes drive away. It was icy cold. I drove myself to the store, I felt spacey during the drive. While in the store, I was anxious to be speedy, gathering what I needed and restless in the line at cash. I decided not to go anywhere else and headed back to the car. I coudln't wait to get home. I didn't feel right driving, I didn't feel present but I amde it safely home and faced the reality. Yesterday was not an isolated event. I was anxious today too.

The day my world changed

No, it wasn't a tragedy involving a loved one or a house move or birth of a child that changed my world today - thankfully. It was something so ordinary. We had decided to go shopping across the border in USA. We do this now and then when either the dollar is in our favour or if we need things we cannot find here in Canada but got used to while we lived in the States a few years ago.
We set off as ususal, kids in car seats, snacks and drinks for the ride, US dollars and passports at the ready. The journey to the specific stores we needed to go would be about1.5 hours including border crossing (longer if it was busy there). I had awoken with a slight headache and my stomach felt a tad off but I put that down to the time of the month and ignored it.
About 45 minutes into the journey i didn't feel so good, nauseous and hot and anxious. I tried to dismiss it for a few minutes and suddenly, seeing an exit off the highway ahead, I asked Dh to please get off the highway. We stopped in the parking lot of a fancy hotel/spa and I paced around trying to breathe and decided to head to the bathroom in case I was going to get sick. I tried to act calm as I walked in the grand entrance. The door guy was asking if he could help me and I was scanning the lobby for bathroom signs. I said I'd like some info on the hotel but needed the bathroom first and raced to the ladies room and locked the door. I felt hot, my digestive system was rebelling and I had a nervous IBS attack. After a few minutes I felt slightly better. The door guy was waiting with some hotel brochures which I accepted and left. I paced around in the parking lot with my heart racing, feeling dizzy and disoriented, outside of my body but at the same time deep inside of this scary place.
As soon as the symptoms subsided a little I thought I'd try to get back in the car but I didn't want to be imprisoned in there on a highway. I asked DH how far to the next bathrooms and rest stop and he promised me it was only a few minutes away and we would stop again there.
I white knuckled it to the next stop where I jumped out of the car before it had hardly stopped, needing the cold air on my face and in my lungs. I paced around and went to the bathroom again. I didn't know what to do - how would we get home? I felt detached and frightened and nauseous and I didn't know what to do.
Eventually we drove to the next stop - a plaza where I sat in the car while DH took the kids for lunch and bathroom. I felt ok in the car alone after a few minutes. I was a little distracted from the anxiety by all the people around doing there thing.
About an hour later, the rest of my family emerged and I knew we would ahve to drive some more. I didn't want to, I was restless and tense and scared and my sysmptoms were flaring each time the car moved.
The journey home was awful. I had to keep jumping out the car at every opportunity to pace about and take deep breaths of cold air. Finally we reached our town. We had exited the highway sooner than we usually would due to traffic so although we were in the town, we were still a way from the house and suddenly I was overwhelmed. I couldn't stand being in the car for more than a second. We stopped at a plaza so I could get out - the feeling that I was about to vomit was very intense. I am terrified of vomiting. I suggested to DH that he drive a bit ahead of me and I would walk for a while. This was not the smartest idea in February with slushy snow on the ground. Uggs are not meant for long uphill walks and definitely are not able to stand up to the wet snow and it didn't take long before my feet were wet (not cold though - the fur inside kept them toasty). I needed the bathroom all of a sudden so bad -I was scanning the street to see what my options were - coudl I make it to the gas station where DH was waiting. I saw an eldery man clearing the snow from his driveway, I figured I might have to ask him to use his toilet but when I got level to him I figured I coudl amke it to the gas station. I practically ran in and asked for the washroom, had to grab a nasty looking key to get in there. I just made it. Another IBS attack and a nervous bladder.
Once outside I had to get in the car again to get through a major intersection not designed for pedestrians but as soon as we were through it I had to walk again. I felt ok while walking - still anxious but not super bad.
Eventually I got home by walking a bit, then sending Dh ahead a bit more. I was so glad to get in the house. It took 4.5 hours to make the 40 minute journey home.
I continued to feel anxious and restless for a while after. 6 hours later I was calming but still restless. Approximately 9 hours after the ordeal began I felt like I could relax.
I was so sad this had happened. It had been so long since I had been this bad and I feared what might be lying ahead of me.