The title could be a complete sentence or part of one. I am finding myself again - a me I had forgotten about quite some time ago. Also I am finding myself planning stuff in my head, errands I need/want to do, clothes shopping, getting my hair cut which hasn't happened yet this year, going to a park with the kids to take pictures, that's not walkable distance, bike rides with my family etc etc. It is so thrilling to feel I can manage it and look forward to getting out and about.
The big outing will be to venture back to the place we were heading when my panic overwhelmed me in February. This I plan to do before the year is over and I also hope to take our annual trip 500 miles to NY to see friends. I can actually envision it happening and me feeling fine.
You know how it feels when you go for an x-ray and you have to wear the lead apron? It's not until you take it off that you realize how heavy it was. That's how I feel - like the burden of the agoraphobia has been lifted and I feel like I'm walking on air compared to how I was feeling a few weeks ago.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Back from the appointment
I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I felt ok during the drive, although the trucks on the highway made me nervous (I wasn't even driving).
I was a little restles during the minutes before the appointment but fine once we were in there. I felt a little tense and dry mouthed partway through but it wasn't so bad. We were in there over an hour.
I feel triumphant. I could never have done this a few weeks ago. I love Celexa!!!
We made our next appt for a month from now and I know I'll be there.
I felt ok during the drive, although the trucks on the highway made me nervous (I wasn't even driving).
I was a little restles during the minutes before the appointment but fine once we were in there. I felt a little tense and dry mouthed partway through but it wasn't so bad. We were in there over an hour.
I feel triumphant. I could never have done this a few weeks ago. I love Celexa!!!
We made our next appt for a month from now and I know I'll be there.
Big day today
Today we have DS's big Dr appointment. It is the furthest away from the house than I have been since my anxiety blow up in February and we have never met with this Dr. before. Due to the nature of the appt it is important that we are both there.
I do feel quite anxious but not scared. My throat and chest feel tight, my mouth is dry, my stomach feels tense but as of yet I do not feel overly restless or nauseous. the appt is in 2 hours but we will leave the house in an hour to allow time for dropping DD off for a playdate (nervous because haven't left her with others before and she has life threatening nut allergy) and for travel time. I do plan to take some Clonazepam before we go because I need to focus on the appt and not how I feel. Taking the meds allows for that without making me sleepy or 'out of it'. I only take it in teeny tiny doses and so far it does help in taking the edge off the symptoms but I am aware they are still there but can function fine.
If I feel really bad I can always leave. I know I will not be chained to the chair or locked in the room. This is not something I want to do but I need to know I have that option to ease my anxiety.
Wish me luck!
I do feel quite anxious but not scared. My throat and chest feel tight, my mouth is dry, my stomach feels tense but as of yet I do not feel overly restless or nauseous. the appt is in 2 hours but we will leave the house in an hour to allow time for dropping DD off for a playdate (nervous because haven't left her with others before and she has life threatening nut allergy) and for travel time. I do plan to take some Clonazepam before we go because I need to focus on the appt and not how I feel. Taking the meds allows for that without making me sleepy or 'out of it'. I only take it in teeny tiny doses and so far it does help in taking the edge off the symptoms but I am aware they are still there but can function fine.
If I feel really bad I can always leave. I know I will not be chained to the chair or locked in the room. This is not something I want to do but I need to know I have that option to ease my anxiety.
Wish me luck!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Another victory
On Thursday I have a big Dr appointment for DS. The appt is with a specialist we have never met and is expected to be approximately 1.5 hours in length. I think I can do it - might need to take some Clonazepam before I go to make it easier. the problem is that we can't take DD with us. She would be very distracting and we need to focus. I asked a friend to watch her while we go. She has never been left with anyone before so it's a big deal all round.
Today we were to go to the friend's (new) house so DD could get used to it ready for Thursday. I have not been going to people's houses these past few months aside from very recently attending a Bday party (that was a Huge hurdle but I managed it).
I had my plan with prepared excuses in case I needed to leave (she is not a close friend - I watch her DD while she works). I had my water and meds with me. DH and DS came too to check out the new house.
I felt pretty much OK - a bit dry mouthed and some throat tension but I felt reasonable and stayed longer than intended. I was so pleased that it went OK.
On the way home I needed to stop at the drugstore. the rest of the family waited outside while I ran in for a few things. How different from when I went for the first time after my agoraphobia started. I confidently strolled around the store, browsing. No need to scurry straight to what I was looking for. Everything was in focus, no distorted images or feeling of detachment. I selected a few greetings cards and when I was done I stood in line without feeling edgy and paid without feeling like I needed out of there. Next I sat in the car with the kids while DH ran in to grab some pizza for lunch and I felt totally at ease. The journey home was as it should be with me and my family chatting.
What a change and the relief is immense. I am confident I am over the hardest part and should soon be planning ahead and enjoying living a 'normal' life.
Today we were to go to the friend's (new) house so DD could get used to it ready for Thursday. I have not been going to people's houses these past few months aside from very recently attending a Bday party (that was a Huge hurdle but I managed it).
I had my plan with prepared excuses in case I needed to leave (she is not a close friend - I watch her DD while she works). I had my water and meds with me. DH and DS came too to check out the new house.
I felt pretty much OK - a bit dry mouthed and some throat tension but I felt reasonable and stayed longer than intended. I was so pleased that it went OK.
On the way home I needed to stop at the drugstore. the rest of the family waited outside while I ran in for a few things. How different from when I went for the first time after my agoraphobia started. I confidently strolled around the store, browsing. No need to scurry straight to what I was looking for. Everything was in focus, no distorted images or feeling of detachment. I selected a few greetings cards and when I was done I stood in line without feeling edgy and paid without feeling like I needed out of there. Next I sat in the car with the kids while DH ran in to grab some pizza for lunch and I felt totally at ease. The journey home was as it should be with me and my family chatting.
What a change and the relief is immense. I am confident I am over the hardest part and should soon be planning ahead and enjoying living a 'normal' life.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Fireworks & Champagne a reason to celebrate
I felt pretty good when I woke up today, aside from wishing for a few extra moments of dream time. Got showered, kids were up (our weekend alarm clock), we all had breakfast, kids got dressed, DH got showered. Then it was that time. Time to decide what the day holds. Lately I have had more input than in previous months now that I've been feeling better. I had been pondering a trip to our local mall. I needed a couple of things that DH wouldn't be able to choose for me. I threw the possibility out there in front of the kids. This would mean that unless I wanted to come up with a reason for a change of plan, that I would have to follow through.
Our local mall is fairly small compared to others in the area. It consists of 2 levels, 2 department stores, a food court and a bunch of smaller stores. I needed to go to Sears. I knew we could park right outside. I hoped the department I needed was near the exit.
Off we set in the car. I am much better about being in the car in our town now and I am able to chat and feel about as relaxed as I can be in a car (always been nervous). I am mostly able to act like a regular non-anxious person, before I had to constantly keep my brain busy counting backwards and focusing on breathing.
The journey to the mall is about 15 minutes, no highway travel is necessary and on a Saturday is typically not the faster option anyway, especially in the summer.
I had my usual security items - water, plastic bag (in case of vomiting - never needed it but it makes me feel better), tranquilizers already halved and ready.
We parked right by a Sears entrance and to my relief the lingerie department which was my reason for the outing, was right inside the door!
DH and kids set off for toy department. DH had strict instructions to keep his cell phone handy and be ready for me if I needed to leave.
I selected the bras that I thought might be suitable and ventured into the change rooms. I find my interactions with store staff are a little overly friendly, I babble on and on just to keep my mind busy. I don't care what they think of me.
I felt completely fine in the change room but had no luck with my selection. I decided to look for more and armed with a second batch back I went and this time I was successful - I should hope so too - I had tried on almost 20!!
I felt calm at the cash. I knew my debit card would take numerous attempts to swipe as it's old and I need a new one. I was able to wait in line and handle the whole payment part fine.
DH called to see if I was OK - he hadn't expected me to be so long and the kids were bored and hungry. I suggested he take them to get take out from the food court for us all and I would check out H&M for kid clothes. H&M is in the centre of the mall and down the escalator
I did it. I went to the store, selected a few items for the kids and was still browsing when the rest of the family came to find me. I wasn't quite done so they walked to the car and drove round to a nearer door to pick me up.
The journey home I was flying. I felt like I had won an Olympic gold. I had not only braved the mall and bought some stuff but I could have shopped longer.
I called my best friend who has been an amazing support and she celebrated with me. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. DH was thrilled - although he's probably worried that I'll want to shop all the time and spend money we don't have right now. I think I deserve it!
Our local mall is fairly small compared to others in the area. It consists of 2 levels, 2 department stores, a food court and a bunch of smaller stores. I needed to go to Sears. I knew we could park right outside. I hoped the department I needed was near the exit.
Off we set in the car. I am much better about being in the car in our town now and I am able to chat and feel about as relaxed as I can be in a car (always been nervous). I am mostly able to act like a regular non-anxious person, before I had to constantly keep my brain busy counting backwards and focusing on breathing.
The journey to the mall is about 15 minutes, no highway travel is necessary and on a Saturday is typically not the faster option anyway, especially in the summer.
I had my usual security items - water, plastic bag (in case of vomiting - never needed it but it makes me feel better), tranquilizers already halved and ready.
We parked right by a Sears entrance and to my relief the lingerie department which was my reason for the outing, was right inside the door!
DH and kids set off for toy department. DH had strict instructions to keep his cell phone handy and be ready for me if I needed to leave.
I selected the bras that I thought might be suitable and ventured into the change rooms. I find my interactions with store staff are a little overly friendly, I babble on and on just to keep my mind busy. I don't care what they think of me.
I felt completely fine in the change room but had no luck with my selection. I decided to look for more and armed with a second batch back I went and this time I was successful - I should hope so too - I had tried on almost 20!!
I felt calm at the cash. I knew my debit card would take numerous attempts to swipe as it's old and I need a new one. I was able to wait in line and handle the whole payment part fine.
DH called to see if I was OK - he hadn't expected me to be so long and the kids were bored and hungry. I suggested he take them to get take out from the food court for us all and I would check out H&M for kid clothes. H&M is in the centre of the mall and down the escalator
I did it. I went to the store, selected a few items for the kids and was still browsing when the rest of the family came to find me. I wasn't quite done so they walked to the car and drove round to a nearer door to pick me up.
The journey home I was flying. I felt like I had won an Olympic gold. I had not only braved the mall and bought some stuff but I could have shopped longer.
I called my best friend who has been an amazing support and she celebrated with me. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. DH was thrilled - although he's probably worried that I'll want to shop all the time and spend money we don't have right now. I think I deserve it!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday
I had indigestion last night, tried a TUM and it seemed to help.
This morning I felt blah when I woke up. I wasn't working and Dh was home so I was glad I didn't have any pressure to do anything. I had a slight IBS attack and felt a bit light headed. I decided to take it easy and Dh said he would do some stuff with the kids. I didn't feel like eating and my digestive system still felt tense. I read and did very little but eventually I decided to take a half Clonazepam because I felt like my insides were tense. It helped and I was able to eat lunch but the icky feeling did return a few hours later but I was able to read and relax despite it. It's been a while since I've had a yucky day - hard to believe I was like this day in and day out not so long ago
This morning I felt blah when I woke up. I wasn't working and Dh was home so I was glad I didn't have any pressure to do anything. I had a slight IBS attack and felt a bit light headed. I decided to take it easy and Dh said he would do some stuff with the kids. I didn't feel like eating and my digestive system still felt tense. I read and did very little but eventually I decided to take a half Clonazepam because I felt like my insides were tense. It helped and I was able to eat lunch but the icky feeling did return a few hours later but I was able to read and relax despite it. It's been a while since I've had a yucky day - hard to believe I was like this day in and day out not so long ago
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